


Alone

by yeska_noka



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Kansai Johnny's Jr., NYC (Band)
Genre: M/M, One-Sided Attraction, One-Sided Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-20
Updated: 2011-12-20
Packaged: 2019-03-29 10:01:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13924797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yeska_noka/pseuds/yeska_noka
Summary: Yuma has a lot of things to balance in life, and it requires making some difficult decisions.*One-sided Yuma/Shigeoka





	Alone

**Author's Note:**

> Unbetaed because I am too impatient to wait for talisa_ahn to wake up, even though she said she'd do it. Thanks for the thought? :) Just one of these things that I'm worried that if I don't post now, I never will. Hopefully there are no egregious errors and I haven't killed anyone's character. :x Yell at me if there are or I have.

Between work and school, Yuma hasn’t had much time to really make friends in Tokyo. He’s back in Osaka for most of his free time, and the little that he has in Tokyo just makes him bored and kind of homesick. It’s why he’d agreed when Yamada invited himself over after they finished for the day.

But Yuma’s not up to being a good host.

“Homesick?” Yamada asks, and Yuma just sighs, rolling over where he’s flopped on the couch in his room.

There’s silence for a bit, and then Yamada speaks again. “You really miss them, don’t you?”

“Yeah.”

There’s no question of who _them_ is. 7WEST. His group. His _friends_. Even though NYC has been together for years now, the 7WEST members still tell Yamada and Chinen to take care of “their” Yuma, and Yamada and Chinen agree. Yuma’s on permanent loan to Tokyo, but he’s not one of them.

Out of the corner of his eye, Yuma can see the light on his phone blinking from where he’d tossed it on the nightstand. It’s a message from Shigeoka, but he doesn’t want to read it. It’ll only make things worse. Yuma’s heart sinks. He misses them.

Especially Shigeoka.

“ _I miss him_ ,” Yuma whispers, and it’s hard to breathe when he thinks about it.

“Who?” Yamada asks, but Yuma doesn’t reply. He doesn’t need to.

“Shige?” Yamada guesses after a minute.

Yuma just sighs again and shifts further into the couch to hide his face.

He can hear Yamada moving somewhere behind him, but when he speaks, he doesn’t sound any closer.

“Oh,” Yamada says. “I... didn’t realize it was like that.”

Yuma bites his lip and, after a few seconds, turns over to face him.

“It’s not,” he says.

Yamada searches his face and clearly finds something. “But you want it to be.”

“Yeah.” Yuma closes his eyes. He doesn’t know why he’s telling Yamada this, but it’s easier if he doesn’t have to look at him. “But, it can’t be. He’s not...”

“Not what?” Yamada prompts.

“Not like that,” Yuma finishes, opening his eyes again. “You know.”

Yamada doesn’t ask Yuma if he is. Instead he just moves over to sit next to him on the couch, Yuma squishing over to make room for him on the edge. Yamada reaches out to stroke his hair, and it’s sort of weird, but also sort of nice - calming - and Yuma doesn’t stop him.

“I’m sorry,” Yamada offers.

They sit this way for long enough that Yuma is nearly asleep when Yamada shifts. Yuma can’t bring himself to open his eyes until a kiss is pressed to his mouth. He blinks at Yamada in surprise. “Wha...?”

“I’m sorry,” Yamada repeats, and he both looks and sounds sincere, and before Yuma can really process anything, Yamada kisses him again.

Yuma’s still too surprised and half-asleep to really react, and by the time he can think about it properly, he’s already started to respond. Yuma thinks about pushing him away, but when he reaches up, he finds himself pulling Yamada closer instead.

Yamada shifts so that he’s squished on the couch next to Yuma instead of leaning over him and Yuma wraps an arm around his back to anchor him in place. Yamada’s a good kisser, talented at it like he’s talented at everything, really. Yuma feels warm all over. It’s a different kind of warm, but almost like when he’s with... Shigeoka.

Yuma stops.

“Wait,” he says when Yamada tilts his head. Yamada doesn’t argue, and sits up a bit to listen, giving Yuma the space he needs to think.

“I... We’re...” Yuma shakes his head in frustration. It’s not what he means. “ _You’re_... You want to?”

“It’s okay this way, isn’t it?” Yamada asks in lieu of answering.

“But you...” Yuma tries, and doesn’t know how to ask.

“I don’t,” Yamada says. “It’s just... you know.”

Yuma doesn’t exactly, except that maybe he does. Yuma makes his decision.

“It’s okay,” he says, and tugs Yamada back down against him, catching his mouth with a demanding kiss.

“We should move,” Yamada murmurs eventually, and Yuma lets him pull him up, over to the bed, lets Yamada do what he wants. He loses most of his clothes without protest before he’s pushed down on the sheets, cover drawn back out of the way.

It feels different this way, better, heady, and it’s easier to lose himself in in the press of Yamada against him. He runs his hands across Yamada’s back, palms his shoulder blades, fingers the bumps of his spine, and Yamada breathes a soft sigh and a moan against his mouth and pushes their hips together.

Yuma kisses him harder, licks at his tongue as Yamada grinds down harder, nips at his lips until he’s forced to breathe, the heat nearly suffocating. Yamada doesn’t say anything, just slips down to kiss Yuma’s throat, and then further, until he’s settled between Yuma’s legs, fingers hooked in the waistband of his underwear, and Yuma lifts his hips in answer to his silent question.

Yamada’s mouth is hot and wet and perfect around him, and it takes Yuma a moment to realize that despite all that, Yamada doesn’t quite seem sure of what he’s doing.

Yuma doesn’t ask.

He doesn’t push. He stays nearly silent, small gasps when it feels too good, and whispers a warning when he can’t hold back anymore. Yamada doesn’t pull away, swallows him down without complaint, even gives a small smile when Yuma peels his eyes open enough to see it, and Yuma doesn’t know what to think anymore. So he doesn’t think.

He waits until Yamada crawls up next to him, then rolls on his side to look him over, letting his eyes follow his hand across the taut muscles of Yamada’s stomach.

“Tell me what you like,” he whispers, and slides his hand down to touch him.

Yamada doesn’t say much, just a murmured _yes_ or _like that_ until his chest is rising and falling too quickly for him to say much more. He grabs Yuma’s wrist with a gasp.

“ _Wait_ ,” he breathes. _Slower_.

Yuma slows his pace, wondering what he’s waiting for, but then it doesn’t seem like Yamada is waiting for anything. His expression changes almost immediately, eyes closed as his grip on Yuma’s wrist tightens, pleasure written across his face as his breathing becomes erratic and he tenses. Yuma watches in fascination as Yamada cries out softly, and he feels the spill of hot liquid across his fingers, even though he won’t tear his gaze away from Yamada’s face to look.

He’s still staring when Yamada opens his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” is the first thing Yamada says, and his expression is soft before he tilts his head to press his forehead to Yuma’s shoulder.

“Don’t be,” Yuma finally says. He relaxes a bit, his hand a loose, messy curl against Yamada’s hip. “Maybe... Maybe I’m the one who should be sorry.”

Yamada shifts to look at him. “Why?”

“Because I...”

 _Because I used you_ , Yuma thinks. _Because I don’t love you._

He can’t bring himself to say anything, but Yamada answers as if he did.

“It’s okay,” Yamada tells him. “You did just confess to me that you like someone else. I knew that from the beginning. But there’s no one else...”

Yuma knows what he means. No one else who’s safe, no one who understands, no one they’re _allowed_ to be with, and it doesn’t matter who they love or don’t.

“Yeah.”

He loses himself in him.

 

 

It’s not fair, Yuma thinks. Shigeoka takes over his room like it’s his own, and at the moment he’s sprawled out asleep on Yuma’s bed in just his underwear, not a care in the world. It’s not fair.

Yuma stares, and stares some more, and he wants him more than anything, especially now that he knows what it could be. But he can’t, and he knows it. Shigeoka might love him, sure, but not like Yuma wants him to. Not like Yuma loves _him_ \- he doesn’t want Yuma and there’s nothing Yuma can do to change that.

Yuma stares until it’s hard to breathe, hard to move, and it’s just a tease to himself, entirely cruel. Look, but don’t touch. He makes his way to the bathroom. It’s okay there, safe, to just think about it.

And so he does. Thinks about Shigeoka stretched out nearly naked on his bed, thinks about the smooth planes of his body and what they might feel like under his hands, about what Shigeoka might taste like under his tongue. Yuma thinks about all the things he wishes he could do, all the things he never can, and shudders, wishing that the hand touching him weren’t his own. He wonders what Shigeoka’s would feel like, those long fingers of his... but just before he comes, it’s Yamada’s face that flashes through his mind. Yamada’s face as he looks when he’s lost in Yuma’s touch, as he comes apart beneath him, and Yuma comes apart as well. Alone.

There’s a message light blinking on his phone when he returns to his room. Yamada’s name scrolls across the screen when he picks it up to check, and Yuma puts the phone back down, message unread. It’ll only make things worse.

He crawls into bed next to Shigeoka, who he can never have, and tries not to think about the someone, somewhere, who he can.


End file.
